I appreciate Sara's observations and assume this is appropriate input, given the invitation you issued for readers to help you edit. I would love a little more direction from you, a more expansive description of what you hope for from us... a wider permission, perhaps.
Now, broadly, to chapter 2:
I enjoyed this chapter as much or more than 1, partly because the Lightning Ben vignette was so compelling. Now I am eager to see how that background piece fits into the larger ongoing narrative.
I also like the way you share behavioral values (with appropriate subtlety), like the way Eola chooses not to react to Bajo's pedantry about local possum bands.
Graig, you have permission to comment on whatever! I'm really appreciating the critical and editorial feedback I've received so far. While this iteration of the chapter is much cleaner than the sample I shared last year, I also still think it needs some work.
I'm very glad to hear the Lightning Ben vignette worked. My friend Aaron Donley challenged me to make that story more clever and I like how it's sharpened and the peregrine angle was a weird and fun little turn, but it was hard to know how audiencies would read it.
And thank you very much for complimenting the subtle behavioral values! Those little details have come in more at the end, and I like how they show Eola's inner life is nuanced.
so far, two things... am not sure if it's how the character talks or if your brain was moving faster than your fingers were typing...
"....some sadness at the abandonment one of their own, but also relief that Ben was finally the problem" in between "abandoment" and "one" should there be "of"?
"Plus, he knew how groundhog burrows worked. So that’s was Ben’s idea: a little dose of genocide in exchange for making powerful friends." ought it to be "that was Ben's idea"... or "So that's what Ben's idea was."?... or as is?
I appreciate Sara's observations and assume this is appropriate input, given the invitation you issued for readers to help you edit. I would love a little more direction from you, a more expansive description of what you hope for from us... a wider permission, perhaps.
Now, broadly, to chapter 2:
I enjoyed this chapter as much or more than 1, partly because the Lightning Ben vignette was so compelling. Now I am eager to see how that background piece fits into the larger ongoing narrative.
I also like the way you share behavioral values (with appropriate subtlety), like the way Eola chooses not to react to Bajo's pedantry about local possum bands.
Graig, you have permission to comment on whatever! I'm really appreciating the critical and editorial feedback I've received so far. While this iteration of the chapter is much cleaner than the sample I shared last year, I also still think it needs some work.
I'm very glad to hear the Lightning Ben vignette worked. My friend Aaron Donley challenged me to make that story more clever and I like how it's sharpened and the peregrine angle was a weird and fun little turn, but it was hard to know how audiencies would read it.
And thank you very much for complimenting the subtle behavioral values! Those little details have come in more at the end, and I like how they show Eola's inner life is nuanced.
so far, two things... am not sure if it's how the character talks or if your brain was moving faster than your fingers were typing...
"....some sadness at the abandonment one of their own, but also relief that Ben was finally the problem" in between "abandoment" and "one" should there be "of"?
"Plus, he knew how groundhog burrows worked. So that’s was Ben’s idea: a little dose of genocide in exchange for making powerful friends." ought it to be "that was Ben's idea"... or "So that's what Ben's idea was."?... or as is?
we enjoyed the 2nd chapter!
Thank you for these! And yes, I decided to try ironing out that section super late last night so my brain was probably moving slower.
I love this!!!!
also this:
“Then the whiskery and ethereal beast spoke except Eola heard the words like they were already inside her mind instead of filtered through her ears.
Eola, a word: the world is wide. Don’t worry. Walk the Way.
She felt an ease inside her, a warmth.”
So good. I’m late to the reading party but the timing is perfect.